


the effects of the past still linger

by anotherdirtycomputer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Body Dysphoria, Coming Out, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Kid Fic, No Incest, Sexism, Sibling Bonding, Trans Male Character, Trans Thor, although ages are different for asgardians, because this is in asgard when they are youngins, i hate sexist asgard trope but consider this - plot, i imagined like... 12 or 13 maybe, no thorki so please dont read if ur gonna make it about thorki or pre-thorki, oh whatever these tags are getting ridiculous, sexist asgard, they are small, trans boy thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherdirtycomputer/pseuds/anotherdirtycomputer
Summary: Loki and Thor have a rare moment alone together, and during this time, confide in one another.





	the effects of the past still linger

**Author's Note:**

> i sat down to write the lastest chapter of 'guess whos coming to dinner' but this came out instead... in my defense, it was 4 am! but im trans/genderfluid and i miss my little sisters, so i guess this is what came of it. a bit vent-y, but hopefully decent enough for a quick read! sorry for the inevitable late update to those excited for the next frostmaster chapter! it'll be coming out soon, hopefully within a week or two!
> 
> until then, enjoy this very self-indulgent piece of work :p

Loki sighs an angry huff of air through her nose as her shaking hands obsessively - futilely - attempt to smooth her newly cut, ragged curls. The hair is too short. Yesterday, it had been too long, almost tickling her shoulders, so she had shorn it in what can only be described as a fit. Normally, she is not so impulsive, but something strange and animal-like had gripped her heart, and so no… She sighs at the sight of what she has done.

If only, she laments now, she could have known how much she would regret her actions.

At least she is not alone, she supposes. Thor is here, too, and when Loki looks at him, she sees only a sibling, not a future queen of Asgard. Thor, to, is touching his hair, carding fingers through it idly, or in a motion what looks to be idle, but likely is not. His face looks so troubled, Loki can’t help but notice, and so sad. She wonders why he - why they both - are so uncomfortable, sitting here with loud thoughts beside each other.

“So,” Loki says in a voice that is, accidentally, a bit of a growl. She is still frustrated with herself, more than she wishes to be. She struggles to cool her temper. “Why are you upset?”

“Me?” Thor asks. It doesn’t sound much like a question.

Loki says, “You. I’m here because I am an idiot and a fool. But you - what are you feeling, if you are inclined to share such information with your little brother?”

“So wordy.” Thor says. “You speak in mouthfuls, like Volstagg at a banquet.”

“That would be  _ around _ mouthfuls, actually, and anyways,” Loki shrugs. “You’ve always liked Volstagg.”

They meets eyes in the mirror and Thor breaks, a smile touching his face. Loki can’t help but smile back, some of that frustration and regret leaving quickly. A smile like Thor’s is a contagious one. To Loki, it spreads like the plague.

Sighing, Thor relents. “There are a lot of ideas that people have about girls, Loki.” He seems to struggle for a moment, then sighs again with a bit more feeling. He pushes his long gold hair behind both his ears and steps back to look at himself properly. Judging by the look on his face, he isn’t pleased by what he sees. “I’m not sure I align with any of them.:

Loki feels something protective spark in her chest. “That’s of no fault of yours.”

Thor gives a small laugh, the way a bird lets out a small note of song before taking off in fright. “I know,” he says. “Or at least, Mother says so when I complain to her. I’m not sure she really understands, though, what I mean. We talk about it so differently.”

“Oh?” Loki’s hands rest delicately in the small of her own back, folded neatly. She watches Thor in the mirror, watches the way they stand side by side like a unit. She loves Thor; she wishes, suddenly, desperately, that they could spend more time together like this. Thor is always so busy being the oldest - being trained to be Queen of Asgard one day. Loki misses him.

Thor shrugs, oblivious to Loki’s sad wonderings. “I don’t know. She seems to think it’s about being a warrior or a blacksmith or, or - you know what I mean. About how there are still men in Asgard who think women are only meant to birth a child or cook a meal and so, even though women are just as capable of being everything and anything…”

Eyebrow raised and gaze to the floor, Loki murmurs, “One must work even harder, be even better.”

“And then, is counted as an outlier.” Thor sighs, eyes downcast, too. “And that  _ does _ bother me - a lot. There are still people who believe I should never rule Asgard on my own - that a man should take the throne and I the one beside it.” His face convulses weirdly, and then he whispers, “But it’s so much deeper than that and I don’t understand why.”

Loki searches his face, alarmed and made eager by the strange understanding she feels. She cannot place it - the books she so often buries her nose in do not speak of this. No text or dusty tome has ever taught her what she knows here and yet, she is certain she understands.

“Women are meant to be soft and yielding and submissive. Dutiful, too, to her man and family. A good listener. A soft hand.” The more Loki speaks, the more Thor looks uncomfortable. “But, before that, and above all else, they must simply be -”

“Women at all.” Thor finishes. His face looks stricken, eyes wide and alarmed. The set of his jaw reminds Loki of General Tyr’s dogs. “Oh, Loki,” and then it falls, and Thor is soft again, and close to weeping. “You cannot tell anyone.”

“I won’t,” Loki says quickly. “If you don’t tell anyone about me.”

Thor laughs wetly, fond and teasing. “What have you done now?”

“Sometimes,” Loki can hardly breathe suddenly. The ocean is in her ears and Father, in his chambers or near the stables or wherever he is, is disappointed. Angry. He cannot hear or see her and yet she is tearful at the thought of him knowing. “Sometimes, I’m a girl.”

And it makes so much sense, in that moment. She has never spoken it before, or thought it, but it’s true. Truer than anything.

Thor laughs out in shock, a happy sound that shakes his shoulders. “May then you be Queen of Asgard, Allmother to the Aesir, and I your mighty general!”

Fear still grips her, but as does relief. Loki smiles, a little crow’s curve of her mouth, and feels an odd, warm type of feeling in her heart.  _ A queen _ , she marvels. “What a thought.”

“What a dream,” he agrees, then goes quiet.

For a long time, they are both silent, the lack of noise strange, but not uncomfortable. Again, the desire to spend more time with her brother tugs at Loki, the way magic tugs at her fingers during lessons with mother, the way Fandral had tugged at her hair before yesterday. She seeks his eyes in the mirror.

“You know,” she says in a tone he instantly recognizes to be conspiratory. “I could cut your hair, if you’d like me to.”

Thor huffs, dismissive, but his eyes look intrigued. “That mess on your head says otherwise.”

“Hey - I haven’t styled it!” But she says it with a laugh in her chest.

Thor laughs, too, easily. “I don’t know, Loki. The hair isn’t the issue, really, I just -”

“It represents something.” She interrupts. “Those long locks to be braided into women’s braids, instead of a warrior’s style, or veiled as women ought to, supposedly. Oh, to sheer it all would mean….”

Rebellion shines in Thor’s lightning blue eyes, and Loki knows she has him hooked. He is always easy to convince, but in this, even more so. “They’ll have your head,” he protests anyways, but he won’t quite meet her eyes.

“Then don’t tell them it was me.”

They meet eyes then, once more, finally, and grin.

Just the thought of the horrified looks of the noblewomen and ladies tomorrow at the sigh of the royal siblings looking a royal mess… It made Loki’s heart light up in glee. She does so love her mischief after all - and if it makes her big brother happy, too, well, then, what can she do? She must be loyal to the throne, and so she is.

That’s what she’ll tell them when she gets in trouble, anyhow.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are a writer's best friends!


End file.
